#[spends a solid half hour throwing and kicking Thor around]

[worstloki]

teehee~ (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ ~

[hellyeahheroes]

Building Skaar in D&D 5e

As I’ve said, I picked up to read his series so I can get a good handle on him, and add him to my list of builds. I gotta say, I was expecting him to be as easy and straightforward as his father’s build by Tulok the Barbarian. Instead, he turned out to be quite a challenge. Without further ado, let’s dig into shaking your next party with Skaar, also known as Killer of Killers, King of Savage Land, Sarkaarson or simply Son of Hulk

First, let us state our goals for this build. We need to make Skaar one tough cookie to crack. Second, we need to ensure he can dish as well as he can take punishment. Finally, we need to give him some old power and allow manipulate the ground around him.

For Ability Scores, we will be using standard points Array - 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8. If you or your DM would rather use different point buy or make you roll, treat these as guidelines.

Strength - 14, you are Son of Hulk after all

Constitution - 15, you took blows from Hulk, Silver Surfer, Thing, and Thor and lived to tell the tale

Dexterity - 12, you’re not exactly wearing an armor.

Intelligence - 10, you have no formal education, but you’re not Savage Hulk

Wisdom - 13, you are a skilled hunter, well accustomed with the land and wield divine power.

Charisma - 8, you really suck at making friends.

Ok, let’s discuss fantasy Races. Skaar is a green hybrid of a human and nonhuman so we’ll make him a Half-Orc. Half-Orcs get +2 to Strength and +1 to Constitution, rounding them both to 16 and gain proficiency with Intimidation skill as well as Common and Orc language. Your base speed is 30 feet, you have Darkvision up to 60 feet, allowing you to see in darkness as if it was dim light and in dim light as if it was a bright light. Relentless Endurance lets you once between long rests choose to not drop to 0 hit points when you should, but to 1 hit point instead unless the damage would outright kill you. Savage Attacks let you, whenever you roll a critical hit, add one damage dice of those the weapon rolls and add them to the damage dealt.

Alternative: If your stats are good enough you can have 15 in both Strength and Constitution and 13 in Wisdom, consider Mark of Finding Half-Orc from Eberron. It replaces Half-Orc abilities with ones more fitting a Ranger and lets you add +1 to three Ability scores, letting you in this situation start with 16 STR and CON but also 14 WIS. However, I will stick to limits of Standard Points Array

For Background pick Outlander, which will give you proficiency with Athletics and Survival skills and one musical instrument of your choice. You also get a Wanderer feature, allowing you to always remember maps and geography, recall general layout of the terrain and every day find food and water for yourself and up to five people if it is possible in the area at all.

Time for the classes. We will kick off with, surprise surprise, Barbarian. 1st level Barbarian gains proficiency with light and medium armor, shields, simple and martial weapons, Strength and Constitution saving throws and two skills - pick Nature and Perception.

You gain Unarmored Defense, which lets you add your CON modifier to your Armor Class when not wearing any armor, and Rage - twice per long rest you can enter a furious state as a bonus action and gain following benefits - advantage on all Strength checks and saving throws, +2 bonus to damage rolls from melee attacks using Strength and resistance to bludgeoning, piercing and slashing damage. Rage lasts 1 minute or until you run out of hostile creatures or end a turn without making an attack or taking damage or if you spend a bonus action to end it early. You cannot cast spells in rage and it breaks your concentration on any you already had been maintaining.

2nd Level barbarian gains Danger Sense, giving you an advantage on Dexterity saving throws against effects you can see like traps and spells, unless you’re not blinded, deafened or incapacitated. You also learn Reckless Attack -  when you make your first attack during a turn, you can gain an advantage on all Strength attacks during this turn, but at the cost of defense - until your next turn all attack rolls against you will have an advantage.

3rd Level Barbarian increases your daily number of rages by one and lets you choose a Primal Path. Totem Warrior lets you gain a Totem Spirit and Bear Totem grants you resistance to all damage except psychic damage when you’re raging. Suggestion - refluff this as a part of your Old Power, after all, Skaar’s first use of it was to turn himself to stone to withstand lava and fire.

You can also cast two spells as rituals, which translates to more Old Power for me. 

Beast sense is a concentration spell that lets you for the duration to see through the eyes of a willing beast of your choice.

Speak With Animals is a 10 minutes spell with no concentration that lets you communicate with animals, the extent of which depends on the animal’s intelligence.

4th level Barbarian gains an Ability Score Improvement, increase your Strength. 5th level Barbarian can attack twice when taking an attack action and your speed increases by 10 feet as long as you’re not wearing heavy armor.

6th Level Barbarian gains an additional use of Rage and a Path Feature - Aspect of the Beast, in this case, Aspect of the Tiger, lets you add two more skills to your lift of those you are proficient with - Acrobatics and Stealth. While Bear or Wolf aspects could be more climactic, they are all situational and may or may not as well be better as useless depending on the type of game your DM is running. Eagle is also amazing but not as good when you already have a darkvision.

7th Level Barbarian gets Feral Instincts, giving you an advantage on Initiative rolls and allows you to act on your first turn of combat if you are surprised, as long as your first action will be to enter Rage.

8th Level barbarian gets another Ability Score improvement, round up your Strength. 9th Level Barbarian gets Brutal Critical, it works exactly like Half-Orc’s Savage Attacks and they stack. And your bonus damage win Rage increases to +3.

10th Level Totem Warrior can cast Commune with Nature as a ritual. It summons a spirit of animal you choose for your previous totem features (I assume you can re-fluff this with GM to be instead spirit of your mother for Skaar). It works in outdoors up to 3 miles and 300 feet underground but not in civilization. It lets you learn about one of the following things in that area: terrain and bodies of water, • prevalent plants, minerals, animals, or people, powerful celestials, fey, fiends, elementals, or undead, influence from other planes of existence or buildings.

11th level Barbarian gains Relentless Rage - it works like Half-Orc’s Relentless Endurance but instead of having only one daily use it requires a DC 10 saving throw. Every time you use it the DC increases by 5 and resets on a long rest.

Okay, that takes care of the physical side of things, your father’s legacy. Now let’s deal with what Skaar got from Caeira.

1st level Druid learns secret Druidic Language and lose an ability to wear armor or use shields made of metal. In turn, you gain spellcasting. How it works is that you know all spells you can access spell slots to and every day you prepare a number equal your Druid level +your Wisdom modifier. Your spell attack modifier is your Proficiency Modifier+Your Wisdom modifier and if a spell requires saving throw, the difficulty for it is equal these two numbers +8

You know two Cantrips and can prepare two spells

Thunderclap is basically a signature move of Hulks. It forces each creature within 5 feet from you to make a CON saving throw or be dealt thunder damage. As it scales with your level total, it is now at 3d6 and will increase to 4d6 at level 17

Mold Earth allows you to affect a 5-foot cube of earth that is not solid - you can change its appearance, turn it into a difficult terrain or even rip it and put somewhere else. It can allow some fun things if you know how to use it.

Cure Wounds will serve as your healing factor - when you cast it it heals 1d8 points of damage on you or other creature you touch. Casting it from higher levels increases it by 1d8 per level.

Earth Tremor makes you wreck the ground and knocks prone and deals 1d6 bludgeoning damage to all creatures that fail their DEX save. If the ground was rock it becomes difficult terrain.

You get a third Spell slot on 2nd level, use it for Jump, it doubles your jump distance for 1 minute so you can leap like your old man.

NOTE: While I took first all our Barbarian and then Druid levels, it may fit your game better to switch earlier, say change every 4 levels or intersect Druid Levels between the Barbarian ones, it is up to you.

2nd Level Druid gets to learn Wild Shape. You can transform 2 times a day (recharging on short or long rest) into an animal that you have seen of challenge rating no bigger than 1/4 for a number of hours equal to half of your Druid level, rounded down or until you spend a bonus action to revert. This creature cannot have swimming or flying speed. It’s STER, DEx and CON Scores replace yours, you gain its Skill proficiencies in addition to all yours and if they overlap on any skill, you use the higher number, you also gain its hit points and Hit Dice and you go back to your number of hit points when you turn back, but if you got dealt damage exceeding animals’ hit points you are forced to transform back and the remaining amount of damage goes into your hit points. In this state you can use all your class features it would be reasonable to assume this animal would perform, but you cannot cast spells and you lose your special senses like Darkvision. However, unlike Rage, Wild Shape doesn’t break Concentration on spells you already have going for you. You also lose your ability to speak or use gestures beyond what the animal can do. You decide whenever any equipment you have on yourself will keep being worn, drop on the floor or be merged into this form until you go back to normal - in the latter two cases losing any benefits from it. DM decides whenever it is possible for an animal you turn into to wear something like this for each piece of equipment, however, and if not, you cannot wear it as an animal. So if you get yourself some Belt of Strength or anything fancy, you better find pictures of dogs wearing stuff like this to argue with your DM. 

Yeah, if you can find a way to refluff this, go for it because, well, Skaar doesn’t use anything like this. Which is why we will pick a Druidic Circle that lets us use Wild Shape in another way, more akin to Son of Hulk’s style of dealing with problems.

We will be heavily refluffling Circle of Spores here. Instead of being about a symbiotic relationship with a fungus, play it as your bond with Earth itself. As such your Halo of Spores would be refluffed that it surrounds you with floating dust or spirits of Old Power and not tiny spores. Mechanically nothing changes, however - when a creature ends their move or starts their turn in 10 feet from you, you can use your reaction to deal it necrotic damage unless it succeeds a CON save. The damage scales with your total level so it is now at 1d8 and will jump to 1d10 next level.

Similarly your Symbiotic Entity would be refluffed as your bond with the Old Power giving you more durability, but remain mechanically the same - you can spend a use of your Wild Shape to for 10 minutes gain temporary hit points equal 5 times your Druid level, be able to add an extra die to your Halo of Spores damage (so 2d8, 2d10 next level) and deal extra 1d6 poison damage on your melee attacks. You can explain this one that you poison them with the Old Power, not far off seeing your brother once made a poisonous cocktail for Galactus out of it.

All these extra Hit Points will sure be useful against various gods you inevitably end up brawling with.

On 2nd Level, you get a bonus Circle of Spores cantrip that doesn’t count to your total number of Cantrips known, Chill Touch. You make a ranged spell attack in the form of a spectral hand (I assume belonging to your mother’s spirit) that tries to strangle your target, on a hit dealing it 1d8 necrotic damage, preventing it from regaining hit points and, if its an undead, imposing disadvantage on attacks against you until your next turn.

You get two bonus spells from Spores Circle at 3rd level, they do not count to your total number of spells prepared or spell slots and you can always cast them. Blindness/Deafness forces the target to make a Constitution save or be blind or deafened (dust to the eyes or another clap, your choice how do you fluff it) for 1 minute or until it succeeds a saving throw at the end of each of its turns.

The second bonus spell is Gentle Repose, which has a duration of 10 days and works on a single dead body, preventing it from decaying or being turned into an undead and extending the time in which they can be resurrected. I guess you preserve them in the Old Power. 

You also get two actual Spell Slots for 2nd level spells and one more on. Hold Person is one of the favorites for a reason, it is a concentration spell that paralyzes a humanoid within 60 feet unless it succeeds a Wisdom saving throw when you cast it or at the end of each its turn. Refluff it at you using the ground to capture them.

Earthbind forces one target to make a Strength saving throw or have its flying speed reduced to 0 for the duration (up to 1 minute on concentration) and descend 60 feet per round until it reaches the ground. 

Spike Growth makes area within 20-feet radius from a point you choose, for up to 10 minutes turning it into difficult terrain and dealing 2d4 piercing damage to all creatures within it for every 5 feet they travel in it. If a creature didn’t see you transform the ground it needs to make a Perception check to notice it

You get one more spell slot from 1st level spells on 4th level. Absorb Elements lets you as a reaction gain resistance to one type of damage - acid, cold, fire, lightning or thunder - and for 1 round first enemy to hit you with a meele attack takes 1d6 damage of that type

Spike Growth is a little less effective than this, sadly.

4th Level druid gets an Ability Score Improvement, increases your Constitution for better HP and better Concentration rolls. Your Wild Shape, if you found a way to use it, now allows you to turn into animals with swimming speed and a maximum challenge rating of animal you can turn into increases to 1/2

5th Level Druid gets more spells. 

Spores Circle gives you Animate Dead, letting you turn a pile of bones or a corpse in a skeleton or zombie. You can command it as a bonus action and oyu control it for 24 hours and then you need to cast it again. How to explain this one with refluffing is pretty tricky, but not implausible - you could always say that Skaar makes stone constructs moving the bones, but treat it mechanically as a skeleton, for example.

Gaseous Form is even harder to refluff, since it turns you or another creature into gas (or in your case a pile of dust) that has flying speed 10, advantage on Strength, Dexterity and Constitution saving throws, resistance to nonmagical damage, can occupy space taken by another creature, squeeze itself in small holes but not liquids, cannot attack or cast spells, use objects, dorp objects, talk or interact with environment. How you refluff it is up for you - maybe Skaar is traveling underground or turned someone into living dust?

You also get 2 3rd level spell slots and one more on 6th level. Erupting Earth makes the groud explode in 20-foot cube radius from a point you choose, dealing every creature in it 3d12 bludgeoning damage, half on a successful DEX save and the ground becomes difficult terrain.

Meld Into Stone allows you to become submerged in stone for 8 hours. You can recast it inside the stone but nothing more and you have a disadvantage on perception checks. You can use your movement to leave the stone. You get expelled from it if it is damaged to the point it is to small to keep you or destroyed, falling prone and taking respectively 6d6 or 50 bludgeoning damage.

Protection from Energy lasts up to 1 hour on Concentration, granting resistance from  acid, cold, fire, lightning, or thunder damage.

6th Level Circle of Spores grants you an ability to animate another corpse of small or medium humanoid or a beast for 1 hour, it uses Zombie statistics, has 1 hit point, moves after you and can only move and make a single attack action.

7 and 8 Levels of Druid grant you each a single 4th Level Spell Slot and you gain two more from Circle of Spores on 7th Level. On 8th Level remember to use your Ability Score Improvement to round up your Constitution and if you found a way to refluff Wild Shape, it can now assume forms of flying animals and maximum Challenge Rating of animals you can turn into increases to 1.

Your first Domain Spell is Confusion, which allows you to make all creatures within 10-feet radius make a Wisdom Saving Throw when you cast the spell or at the end of its’ each turn, or have to roll how they act on each turn for as long as you maintain the concentration of a spell, maximum for up to 1 minute. You can always play it as Skaar making the ground shake and speaking through it or tormenting targets with visions of their crimes through the Old Power.

Your second Domain spell is Blight, dealing the target 8d8 necrotic damage, half on a successful CON save, with a disadvantage for plant creatures or magical plants and dealing maximum damage to them, as well as outright killing all nonmagical ones. You can suck the energy from the land or from those touching it, is how I would roleplay this one.

Freedom of Movement is a spell that, for 1 hour with no concentration, allows you to grant yourself or another willing creature an immunity to effects of difficult terrain and any magical effects, that would reduce your speed, paralyze or restrain you, as well penalties to movement or attacks for being underwater and an ability to spend 5 feet of the movement to escape grappling or nonmagical shackles.

 Stone Shape lets you transform a stone object of Medium or smaller size or a stone area no larger than 5 feet in any direction into any form as long as you stick to a simple design and not fine mechanisms.

Skaar using Confusion combined with one of his ground-shaking spells like Erupting Earth.

You may be wondering why we won’t be getting Stoneskin despite it beign one of the first things Skaar could do and the answer is simple - 3rd level Bear Totem Barbarian Ability is simply better at doing it than the spell.

Our final level will be 9th level of Druid, giving us a single 5h level spell slot and two Circle of Spores Bonus Spells

Your first Bonus spell is Cognation, which is a stronger version of the whole “poisoning with Old Power” trick from before - now you can make a meele spell attack against a creature and on a hit inflict upon it a poisoned status and force it to make Constitution saving throws at the end of each of its turns. It shakes it off if it succeeds 3 times, if it fails 3 times you choose one Ability Score on which the target gets a disadvantage on all rolls as well as associated penalties. Oh, and it lasts 7 freaking days.

Cloudkill is a Concentration spell with duration up to 10 minutes, it makes you cause a cloud of poisonous gases to leak form the ground in a 20-foot radius from any point of your choice, it is heavier than air and sinks into lower areas, and it moves 10 feet away from you on each of your turns. It deals 5d8 poison damage to every creature that enters the area or starts its turn there, half on a successful save.

Finally, our final spell is Transmute Rock. It affects an area of whopping 120 feet in radius and can either: turn rock into mud, forcing either a Strength saving throw on all creatures in the rea to not sink in it, if it’s on the ground, or making it fall and dealing all creatures 4d8 bludgeoning damage, half on a successful Dexterity saving throw; or turn mud into stone,  forcing all creatures to first make a DEX save to avoid being trapped in it and then waste an action to make a DC 20 STR save to break free or deal 25 points of damage to the rock.

And so we have Skaar, Druid 9/Barbarian 11. Now let’s see how good of a build it is. First of all, you are one tough guy, your HP on average should be over 200 and you can increase it twice a day by 45 points, you also have a lot of ways to reduce the damage dealt to you. However, for a Barbarian you have also a large number of utilities to use to control the battlefield or torment your enemies before you descend on them with your fury and chances are you will succeed all Concentration rolls easily. On the negatives, your AC is not as good as it could be, your casting Ability is also not as high and that affects your Spell attacks and Saving Throw Difficult. Your rage turns off the second half of your class, meaning you have to carefully plan how to approach all encounters and your Intelligence and Charisma saves are pretty low, meaning you can get hit with spells that drain your mind and send you to other dimensions (fitting considering this tends to happen to Skaar). And two minor nitpicks on the climactic side: 1. you need to heavily invest in roleplaying to bend over how to explain some of the free spells and abilities you got from Circle of Spores if you want to use them and not stray away from the character and 2. Skaar’s iconic greatsword is actually a poor weapon for a Barbarian, since it deals 2d6 damage, making it inferior for all these bonuses to Critical Hits you got (they add only 1d6s on Greatsword, while greataxe deals and thus adds d12s).

Overall, however, you are not as bad as I feared it will be. On the surface, it may look like somebody tried to weld together an iPad and a sledgehammer, but you are actually pretty well rounded. Remember it doesn’t mean you’re self-sufficient, so reing your unpleasant personality in and remember you will likely function better as a part of a team or even in tandem, than alone.

ALTERNATIVES:

If you want to lean more into your  Druidic side, forsake a level fo Barbarian for 10 levels of Druid, gaining extra 5th level spell slot and a Circle of Spores feature. 

Switching to Barbarian 12/Druid 8 opens a spot for free Ability Score Improvement, allowing you to improve your WIS with either Resilient feat or a flat +2 score increase, or (in this case do it before using rest of your ASI to increase your scores) take a feat from any that would fit your preferred combat style - Great Weapon Master for two-handed weapons, Fell-Handed, Blade Master, Flail Mastery, Warhammer Master and Tavern Brawler for axes, swords, flails, hammers and fists, not to mention Barbarian stables like Charger or Savage Attacker.

Of course, you can also go Druid 7/Barbarian 13 for adding even more dice to your critical hits, Druid 6/Barbarian 14 for 14th level Totem Warrior Path Feature. 

- Admin

[wintersxsoul]

Matching Scars (8)

Summary:  “How could someone like you, love someone like me? It makes no fucking sense.“

Pairings: Loki x Reader // Steve Rogers x OFC

Warnings: Nightmares, descriptions of physical abuse, swearing, angst, eventual smut, depression, intrussive thoughts, self-harming, etc.

A/N: This is the first series I wrote at the beggining of summer. I posted it on ao3. 

Series masterlist

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

When Tony’s words sunk in, you both were already terrified. Attacked? By who? Why? You didn’t know what to do, stay as you were told or get out and help. SPOILER ALERT: you went out of the room because Anne decided to help. She took a gun she had in her nightstand drawer. What a badass, honestly. The aisle was empty, but you heard noises from the bottom floors, so you reached the stairs. You thanked the stars for the hard training you’ve been having the past week, because your lungs could deal with running down the stairs. The noise was louder when you reached the 5th floor, and you could see some strange creatures, aliens, dead on the floor. Anne was walking in front of you and cocked the gun, ready to shoot at the minimum movement.

You entered one of the living rooms and found yourself taken aback by the amount of violence you were witnessing, fear icing your veins.

Steve was punching, kicking and throwing his shield to the massive aliens. Tony was, well, he was being Iron Man, you also saw Black Widow and Wanda.

Anne fired the gun at an alien that was running towards you, shooting it right in the head. At the sound of the gun, Steve turned his face abruptly to see who was the shooter, and his mouth fell open, fear written all over his features.

“ANNE, Y/N, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” He shouted across the room while fighting with three more aliens. You both shrugged your shoulders and proceeded to try to defend yourselves. Natasha threw you a gun so you could survive, because you weren’t good enough at fighting with fucking creatures that were like Avatars.

You stood your ground, staying alert in case any of them were to attack you. Anne, on the other hand, went all badass bitch into the battlefield and helped the rest of the Avengers, shooting left and right injuring and killing aliens.

As you were about to shoot one of the aliens that were going to attack her, another came to you, hitting you on your left hand. It made you drop the gun, so it was now only you and your fighting skills. You were so glad Loki taught you how to block attacks, but not so much because you were never able to knock him down. You blocked the alien's attack easily and run to the gun. After taking it, you emptied the chamber on the fucking alien and two of its companions.

Drunk on the power it had given you, you let your guard down.

"Y/N! WATCH OUT!" you heard Anne's voice shout, but it was too late. You felt a throbbing pain in your right side and skin ripping. The claws of one of them tore your body apart, enough to make you dizzy and create a pool of your own blood. You fell to your knees screaming in pain. Anne was shouting and killed the creature, tearing its heart out with some metal thing she took from the floor.

Anne was speaking to you, trying to keep you awake, while the rest of the team were finishing with the bloodshed. You heard thunder and the room lit up. Thor and Loki are here. You tried to say something, to tell Anne that you were okay, but all that came out from your mouth was a whimper. Someone, besides Anne, approached your limp body and caressed your cheek, saying something to everyone in the room. You were so invested in not dying that you couldn’t tell who was speaking.

Before blacking out completely, you felt someone lifting you off the ground, the smell of lavender and mint obstructing the metallic smell of your own blood.

“She’s finally waking up, thanks to the universe.” Anne’s voice was the first thing you heard as you opened your eyes. She was by your side in bed, sitting on the edge talking to someone who was not in your field of vision. You incorporated in the bed, wincing because you felt a huge pain in the right side of your body, tears falling from your eyes already.

“Annie..?” Your voice was a whisper, hoarse because of the lack of use. You cleared your throat trying to gain control of your voice. “How long I’ve been asleep? A week?” You laughed, but cut the laughter as soon as you saw Anne’s expression. Fuck .

“You’ve been asleep for 10 days. You lost almost five pints of blood. You scared the shit out of me Y/N.” Tears were building up in her hazel eyes. You tried to reach for her hand but before you could, she was hugging you. You could finally see who was also in the room with you. Loki . You smiled at him, and as your opened your mouth to say something, Anne started speaking between sobs. “I-I’m s-so sorry I-I was t-the one who convinced y-you to go help. You could be de-dead because of me.” She tighten the grip, hurting your side without noticing. You flinched and she immediately pulled away.

“Annie babe, it’s fine, I am fine.” You brushed a strand of hair away from her face, smiling softly. You could see the lack of sleep in her tired face, she even lost weight. “Rest a little bit please, I will be fine.”

“I’ll stay with her, in case there’s an emergency or whatever, Anne. Don’t worry.” Loki finally spoke, finding yourself excited to spend time alone with him.

“Okay, I’m leaving now.” She kissed you in the cheek, and went to the door. She turned around just before exiting the room, “One last thing, Mr Stark wants to speak to the both of us as soon as you are feeling better.” You nodded and she left, closing the door behind her.

You looked at Loki, who was now sitting down where Anne was moments ago.

“Hey.” Really y/n?. You smiled.

“Hey” Loki’s voice was low. He was looking at you with concern in his eyes, but something else you couldn’t read. “How are you really feeling?

“I feel like I’ve been hit by a train, honestly. But I guess this is my state lately.” You laughed, shaking your head as a way of showing you were joking.

“Anne was right, love. You really worried us.” Love. Love. Love. What the hell, how can he sound so cute being so serious? “You looked so pale and lifeless.”

All you could remember before blacking out was being carried. You hesitated before asking him.

“Was it you?” He looked at you, frowning. “You were there when I blacked out.” He seemed to understand what you were talking about.

“Yes, I was. I took you to the doctor’s lab.” You moved closer to him so you could be able to hug him.

The hug lasted long enough to make you shiver when pulling away from his embrace. Your faces were inches away and you could feel his breath tickling your cheek. You looked at each other in the eye, and he separated a little from you.

You cleared your throat awkwardly and smiled. “Thank you so much.” Here we go. “I- I wanted to apologize for being such an ass with you when we met. I’m sorry. You did not deserve everything I told you or did to you.” He was looking at you, astonished. Please say something. Please say something.

“There’s nothing you have to apologize for.” Loki smiled at you with the most genuine smile you’ve ever seen. You totally have a crush on this man. Stop staring. You looked away, blushing a little bit.

After a few hours speaking with Loki, you thought about eating something solid, so you ordered two pizzas. You decided to watch a movie because he wanted to know more midgardian art, so you opted for the Leonardo DiCaprio remake of The Great Gatsby, one of your favorite movies.

When you had half of the movie seen, your phone started ringing.

“Hey Evan, how’s everything going?” You looked at Loki, saying sorry with your facial expression. He just shrug his shoulders.

“I was just in the bar where we met, and I thought of you. I really really want to see you again.” He was speaking very loud and drunk. You rubbed your forehead, thinking how could you get yourself out of the situation.

“Look Evan, we had a great time, but right now my life is a mess and I can’t assure you when I’ll be able to meet with you or anyone. So I’ll let you know.” He huffed and let out a chuckle.

“If there’s someone in your life already you should feel free to tell me. It’s not like I want to have a relationship with you or anything.” He hung up without letting you answer. Loki was staring at you, trying to understand what was going on.

“Is everything alright? Was he your loved one?” He raised his eyebrow, waiting for the answer.

“Yeah, he is just a random guy I met a couple of weeks ago. He just wants to meet and well, I don’t want to anymore.” You cocked your head towards him and he smirked with a glint in the eyes.

“Poor Evan, you must have broken his heart.” Loki’s smirk turned into a grin.

“I’m sure he’ll get over it. Who wouldn’t?” The last part slipped. You didn't like to show your insecurities to anyone.

“Well, only an idiot would.” WHAT . DOES. THIS. MEAN.

Tag list is OPEN.

@trashpandabarnes @sideeffectsofyou @madamefresa@lilypalmer1987@gravedollie666 @sarahivi  @gummiwormsandonedirection@deamstellarus @zeilenkrieg

[maniibear]

AA!SteveTony; You know you say everything out loud.

Word Count: ~2800 Warnings: none?

1.

Seventy two hours after Tony disappeared into his lab and failed to come out, Steve found himself outside the doors, punching in his entry code. He wasn’t the first Avenger to come knocking, but he was the first to come bearing food-- ham sandwich, baked chips, and, at Natasha’s insistence, a bottle of coconut water. Because fluids were important, and nothing improved a mood quite as fast as sugar.

She was right in guessing that Tony’s mood would need improving. As soon as FRIDAY waved him in, Steve was greeted with a sharp, “What?”

Setting lunch down on the nearest flat surface, Steve grabbed the coconut water and headed toward the bank of screens where he heard Tony’s voice. He boldly shook the bottle in the man’s face and commanded, “Drink up.”

Tony scowled, potently, for all that he looked wrung out and exhausted. “I’m a little busy, Cap,” he said, distantly. “So, unless you need something…”

“I do,” Steve held up the bottle again. “Drink.”

Tony’s jaw tightened, like he wanted to argue just for the sake of it, but then he took the coconut water and while he fairly downed it in less than a minute, Steve took the opportunity to look around the lab. He saw the familiar shape of Natasha’s Bites, glowing a dangerous blue, and rows of ruthlessly streamlined flechettes for Sam. On a far table, Steve even spotted electronic entrails spilling out of what he was sure were his combat gloves. The whole thing looked savage and it made his chest ache.

“You have to stop, Tony, come upstairs with me.”

Tony set the empty bottle down.

“I can’t. The team...you...almost--” Tony gestured helplessly to avoid saying it. Steve didn’t miss how he still looked a bit wild around the eyes. He was suddenly angry at himself for letting Tony barricade himself without an argument, but, as the fading burn across his abdomen reminded him, it had been a bad night for the team. Steve was so busy battling his own terror for Falcon and Hawkeye’s wellbeing that he had no mind left to spare for their co-leader.

“I’m fine,” he assured Tony now, and spread his arms out for inspection. “See? Come upstairs.”  

Tony smirked wanly. “Well, next time, you might not be so lucky.”

“It’s the chance we all take, doing what we do.”

“You were this close to throwing Sam off the team for his own good,” Tony replied and cast his eyes back to the combat gloves. “You have to admit, Steve, I let you down.”

“Take it from a guy who went to war, Tony, I’d follow you on that mission again,” Steve let himself smile at stricken brown eyes. If he was sure of anything, it was that he could believe in Tony when the genius himself couldn’t. “I know you.”

Predictably, Tony started to argue. “You--”

“I know you,” Steve insisted without remorse. “Come upstairs with me.”

And Tony did, to copious applause from everyone when Steve herded him into the common room as proof to the others that Iron Man was still with them.

“Welcome back,” Natasha said, and nudged Clint’s plastered foot with her’s. “Told you it’d work. Cap’s a negotiator.”

Steve wanted to laugh, but that was before Tony flopped on the couch between her and Sam and said, “You just knew I wouldn’t say no to a hot blond.”

Thor looked up from his checkers game with Bruce. “If that were true, my friend, the lady Widow would have sent me.”

A pillow swiftly hit him in the face, followed by Clint screeching, “What am I, chopped liver?”

The ensuing argument was ridiculous and chaotic and conveniently noisy, but not enough that Steve couldn’t hear Sam whisper to Tony, “You know you said that out loud, right?”

Tony shrugged, and grabbed an apple from a bowl on the coffee table. “I say everything out loud.”

2.

In retrospect, Tony should have known something was up when Steve, who hated all events that required schmoozing, invited himself to a private unveiling gala of new Stark tech. In fact, Tony hadn’t even known he was on the guest list until Steve dangled a painfully outdated dark linen Armani suit in his face and asked if it met dress code. Nevermind the fact that Captain America could have shown up in a fur thong and not heard any objections, Tony had just been flattered that Steve wanted to watch him show off in the first place. He’d been riding high on the thought all through the dinner and his keynote, right up until Batroc rappelled into the venue like an unfashionable purple twister.

There was no point in continuing the party after that. Even the most enterprising investor was hard-pressed to cut a check while running for their life.  

Tony himself ran, albeit against the press of the crowd, while fuming silently to himself. Was it too much to ask for Evil to take a break during demo night? He understood the temptation of a chance to grab Stark tech, but surely A.I.M could have waited until he was done before making their pathetic attempt.

Good thing Steve had a sixth sense about these things. By the time Tony reached the vault, he is none too surprised to see Captain America already engaging Batroc and a dozen AIM goons.

“Looks like you picked the right suit after all,” Tony commented, sidestepping a blast from a ray gun that nevertheless missed him by a mile.

Steve chuckled, probably enjoying the chance to punch something after all that awful schmoozing. He did a series of complicated acrobatics that let him kick Batroc in the face twice, stick a perfect landing, and assess Tony’s own dress choice.

“You too,” Steve replied, like he didn’t just physically caress his teammate with his eyes.

“Sure did,” Tony agreed dreamily. “It's a Tom Ford, 3-piece, 2 button.”

And a wristwatch that turned into a gauntlet with fully functioning repulsors, but why ruin the surprise?

“Stay close.” Captain America commanded, and honestly, it was just easier to give in to the shivers. It was a minute before Tony could aim his repulsors and take out a couple of beekeepers. 

“I can take care of myself, Cap.”

“Sure,” Steve agreed, and hurled his shield at the remaining AIM agents. “Can’t I still keep you safe?”

Oh. Well. When Steve said things like that, and Tony’s heart began tapdancing behind his ARC reactor, largely missing Batroc’s villainous threats seemed inevitable. Luckily, Tony had just enough wits about him to question why a mercenary would try to flee empty-handed and was answered by a ring of blinking lights rigged to the vault. Oh, bombs; that made sense.

“Tony!”  

“Cap, get out,” Tony retorted urgently, eyes pinned on the dwindling timer. “You can’t cover us both!”

Steve didn’t reply. He just put relentless pressure on Tony’s shoulders until he buckled down behind the shield, hands clamped over his ears. Steve enveloped him like a fortress, solid and large, and impossibly strong just as the vault exploded. Tony felt the shockwave in his bones, and the subsequent crash of steel and concrete against vibranium sat like an ache on the edge of their teeth before Steve even relented in his hold. He didn’t fully let go until all that was left was dust, settling on them like a white veil.

Screams drifted in from the distance. Tony found himself staring after a drift of fine particles across the lower half of Steve’s face where the cowl didn’t reach. Steve casually wiped them away with the back of his hand and asked, “Are you ok?”

His lips were starkly pink against the surrounding gray dust and Tony, ears ringing from the blast and from intense face time with Steve's star spangled pecs, smiled sloppily and thought, “Kiss me.”

It didn’t occur to him that it may have been more than a mere thought until Steve startled. Tony immediately copied the sentiment, eyes going wide with panic. “Oh, fu---frogs,” he lifted a hand to his mouth. “Did I say that out loud?”

Steve didn’t answer right away. He straightened on one knee, but his militant lines were soft, and the shield hung loosely by his side as he scrutinized their resident genius in the midst of the mess. “That depends, did you mean it?”

That. That set off fireworks at the corner of Tony’s eyes and made the whole world slant with joy. Strong arms caught him effortlessly when he pitched forward after the joy proved too much; Tony clutched at them for dear life. “Of course, I did.”

3.

Team co-leaders didn’t play favorites, but if Steve had to pick someone to spend a while with in the jungle, Clint would easily be at the top of the list. Hawkeye was adaptable, hyperaware of his surroundings as a non serum-enhanced person could be, and, dare Steve say it, he was fun.

The rest of the team had their own quirks, but Hakweye, Steve felt, really shared his enthusiasm for complex acrobatics. They just needed to work on their timing. To that end, Steve brushed an entire tree’s worth of leaves from his hair, made a mental tally of his bruises, and reminded himself to schedule some synergy training with Clint when they got back to Avengers tower. Now, he just needed to figure out how to explain his shredded uniform to Tony...

Speak of the devil; Clint’s Starkphone buzzed obnoxiously and answered itself so Tony’s face already graced the screen before Clint could even pull it out of his pocket.  

“Status check, from your friendly neighborhood Iron Man.”

Tony’s voice was muffled by some sort of a dull roar in the background and Hawkeye peered closely at the phone. “Where are your clothes?” he asked. “And what is that noise?”

“The sound of fifteen ambient-lit, temperature controlled, and perfectly pressurized water jets treating me right,” Tony sounded extremely pleased. Steve held back an envious noise because giving personal ammo to weapons traffickers was generally bad form, and he was nothing if not a professional.

Clint, who had no such qualms, groaned loudly. “You’re checking up on us from your shower? I hate you.”

“Jealous?” Tony teased.

“You know I am! Do you know where I had to pee today?”

Ok. Steve pointedly cleared his throat over their prisoners’ heads. “Stick to the report, Hawkeye.”

Clint sighed, but acquiesced. “Fine, we’ve got a couple of Klaue’s associates,” he reported. “But they won’t talk, so Cap and I are keeping them company in a very high tech mobile containment unit, on our way to the local cops.”

“You and Captain America are riding around in a windowless van with some boring goons,” Tony translated, because he was clever like that and Steve had to make a valiant effort to keep from smiling like a dope.

Not that he fooled Clint, who glanced at Steve, then leered at Tony. “Jealous?”

“That you’re booking lowlifes in the jungle while I’ve got running water?” Tony replied over a steady patter. “Not exactly.”

It was a lie; Tony was never happy to not be part of the action. Clint smirked deviously. “Well, since you’re not doing anything, think you can synth us up some new uniforms? I think I got a couple more uses, but Cap’s suit is all torn up.”

“What!?” Tony squawked. “What happened?”

“Local wildlife,” Clint replied breezily. “Anyway, I’m thinking something with a little more tensile strength…”

“You—put him on, Hawkeye!”

“...more pockets.” Clint suggested instead.

“I’m coming over there,” Tony threatened and he sounded serious enough that Steve finally grabbed the phone.

“No need, Iron Man,” he declared. “I’m fine. Do not leave your post.”

Steve turned the Starkphone so Tony could assess the real damage without Clint’s influence. A sharp inhale whistled over the speaker. Ok, admittedly, there was a major tear across the star on Steve’s chest, but it was hardly unsafe. The seams were holding pretty well. There was hardly any skin visible unless Steve took a really deep breath and--

“Wow,’ came Tony’s voice, low and mortifyingly husky. “Glad I’m already in the shower.”

Steve gaped. He could feel his face go red, and any wishful thinking that the others might not have heard went right out the proverbial window when the snickering began.

Tony frowned at the sound of what was, by now, full blown laughter. “What’s going on? Why are Klaue’s guys laughi—” Then, silence as realization dawned. “They heard me, didn’t they?”

Hawkeye grinned widely. “Loud and clear, lover boy.”

4.

“You like them because they remind you of you,” Tony flopped on to the bed and curled up into a ball, but his eyes remained open. He needed to sleep, but not so badly (never so badly) that he couldn’t wait for Steve to join him. “Gotta say, that’s pretty vain of you, Cap.”

“It gives me hope,” Steve slipped out of the uniform and draped it on a nearby chair. “We won’t be around forever, so it’s nice to see someone like Ms. Marvel know what it is to be good.”

“They’re too young,” Tony grumbled. The tiredness stole some of the fight from his voice.

“I wasn’t much younger when--” Steve began to say, then realized that he’d just admitted to Tony’s accusation of nostalgia. “Ok, maybe you’re right.”

The smug retort he expected didn’t come. Instead, when Steve finally climbed into bed, all Tony did was sidle up to his chest with a contented sigh like a ritual was finally complete.

“But I get where you’re coming from, too, Tony. I don’t want to take away their childhood either; I just think good potential should be guided.” Warm as the bed was and with Tony in his arms, Steve let himself get a little dreamy. “I can’t help but think they’ll be great people someday.”

“Of course, they’ll be great,” Tony mumbled, curling further into Steve’s chest. “They’re our kids.”

A second later, he opened a bleary eye. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

Steve laughed. “Of course, you did,” he said, and sweetly kissed Tony’s head before drawing the blanket over them both.

5.

When dimension hopping, warp and disorientation were par for the course. Strange’s pocket world was no different. Somewhere in there, Steve found himself weighing the same words against each other. Tony made good armor. Tony made good armor.

The irony of Ultron using Tony for a human shield wasn’t lost on anyone; the smartest decision that fanciful pile of scrap metal ever made was a slap to its own creed, but it judged rightly. What was a suit of armor to the man inside it? What was vibranium against love?

When he reached out on instinct, his fingers didn’t dream of crossing the barrier. Steve was no magician or a tech genius; he couldn’t make promises to pry apart space or coax the flow of time. He only loved Tony, as naturally as he breathed, and even then, Tony loved him first. Tony met the real Steve Rogers long after the homemade capes and toy shields and a slew of tragedies thereafter, and loved him enough to give him a home.  

But Steve didn’t beg him to stay. He didn’t say, there’s no one else like you, or I don’t want to wake up without you.

He said, “You’re the best friend I’ve had,” so wherever Tony went, he would know he was priceless.

Bonus

“Truth is: I’m better because you’re my friend.”

It was the cleverest thing Tony ever said. No irony or wordplay, just a distillation of all that made Steve precious to him over the years into a neat little line. Tony wished he’d thought of it earlier, so he could have said it against Steve’s lips, or whispered it to the hollow of Steve’s throat, but he settled for volleying it over from his side of the pocket dimension to his lover’s. 

There was a lot of time to think, hopping the multiverse. A lot of time to miss Steve and his daily insidiousness—a proud smile there, some sincere praise here, a casual sprinkling of monumental faith in between. Soon, Tony found himself wondering how he ever got things done before a stubborn old war hero emerged from a glacier and insisted on believing in him no matter what.

Even in the last universe, where the Avengers all went to some sort of Academy for superkids, a teenage Tony Stark put it this way, “It’s like I already know I’m a genius, but better.” Teenage Captain America (how fucking adorable was that?) had beamed and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. 

Yeah, they were sweet. His theory that Steve was priceless in every universe gained about 30% more traction, but Tony doubted present company was in a mood to appreciate that. 

He watched the defeated reflection of himself kneel on cracked ice and gingerly touch the abandoned shield with its silver star and familiar red bands. 

“It’s worse when you love them,” this Tony murmured, then bit his lip. “Sorry, it’s been a long couple of days. Didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

[tonystarkjr]

Soo here we go! This is for @bloody-bee-tea! :) I really hope you like i ( i changed a few things from the orginal timeline and all that :D) _______

When Tony first meets T‘Challa he doesn’t know that this would change his whole life. Of course he met other important people before. And lets be honest here. He hates it. As a kid he always had to smile and let the people swoon over him. His dad loved it to impress the people with his genius child. When he got older, that didn’t changed. He still smiles at those people. It’s a fake smile, but hey you can’t get everything alright?

But he won’t touch them. He doesn’t like it if they try to hand him things and he hates to shake their hands. He just can’t okay? “Why are you always so distant with peolpe?” Clint asked him once, when they were laying on the couch together. Tony shrugged. How do you say that you don’t like other rich people? How do you say that, when you behave like those arrogant people, too? So when Tony looks at his shedule and sees that he has a meeting with the king of wakanda he sighs. Another day, another king. The only good thing about that, is that T’challa isn’t going to meet him alone. No the other avengers will be there, too. A few hours later, Tony enters the room and sees that for the first time in forever he isn’t late. The other Avengers are already sitting in the chairs, but he can’t see the king. “You are actually on time.” Bruce says and he smiles so that Tony knows he isn’t trying to be mean. “Of course iam Brucie bear. But i don’t have much time. Pepper just told me she needs a new update on her stark phone and...” Tony rambles, while he takes his seat right next to Natasha. “And you don’t want to be here at all.” Finishes Natasha his sentences and he nods. She’s right. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to smile, when he isn’t feeling like it. He doesn’t want to shake hands with just another person, he isn’t going to like.

“Tony... we talked about this. I mean what is the worst thing that could happen?” Steve says now and Tony shrugs. He don’t want to talk about this. About all the times those people would laugh at his crooked teeth when he was little. Or when he called his father ‘daddy’ one time and this lady told him he should finally grow up. He shudders. “Ladies and Gentleman. The King of Wakanda.” A person enters the room and bows. Tony rolls his eyes. And people tell him he is a bit much.

“Good morning.” A new voice says and now Tony looks up. That voice is actually really warm and deep and... “Good morning!” Tony actually squeaks back and he hates himself for it. Oh god. Before he can think about it, everybody turns to him. Tony gulps and looks at his lap. Normally he wouldn’t greet any other people and ignore them to the point, that they would ignore him, too. So of course everybody is a bit stunned about his reaction.

But he can’t help himself. Because wow. And now the king even smiles at him!

“My name is T’challa and i would appreciate it, if you would call me that. And i really would like to thank you, for receiving me. I’m honored.” T’challa looks at every single person as he says it and Tony stares back. He can’t takes his eyes of him.

The next hour is spend with a lot of talking about the avengers future. T’Challa was send by his father to help them finding the winter soldier. Steve is glad about the offer and has a few things he wants to talk about. Natasha and Clint have a few strategies with them, that they talked through with Coulson before the meeting. Even Bruce has a couple of ideas.

Tony has nothing.

He only listens to T’Challa and smiles when the men looks at him. Or he tries to smile, but it is a bit shaky. “Alright. I think it’s time for a break. Fury already told us that you would stay here for a few days. So maybe someone can show you around the tower?” Steve says now and Tony already stands up.

“I can do it!” He says loudly. A bit too loud, by the looks of his friends.

“Well thank you, Mister...” T’challa starts and Tony tries not to choke. He doesn’t know his name? Everbodys knows his name! It’s the first time since...ever that someone doesn’t know is name! “Stark. Anthony Edward Stark. B-but you...can call me Tony...or anything you want really.” Tony stammers now and he can hear Clints snort. Followed by a yelp, when Natasha kicks him under the table.

T’Challa just smiles and nods. “Oh well, then why don’t we start just now? I have a few lovely guestrooms.” Tony says and he clears his throat because when did his voice got so low. “His second name is Edward? I didn’t know that!” Whispers Clint just as Tony walks out of the door and T’Challa follows him. One second later there is another yelp. Natasha is in top form today. “This is one of our best rooms. It has everything you need. Even a little bathroom on your own and a kitchen. I hope you like it.” Says Tony a while later, when they enter the guestroom. “It’s wonderful, Anthony.” T’challa answers as he looks around. Anthony. God nobody called him that, since those galas he went to, when he was a kid. But this time it actually feels good. “Thank you.” Whispers Tony back, because he doesn’t trust his voice. T’Challa is just so stunning and he can’t remember the last time, he liked someone, he just met.

“You are really nice for a king.” Tony says then and claps his hands over his mouth. Why did he said that outloud? Is he crazy? “What do you mean?” T’Challa asks and he stretches a bit to get a cup out of one of those cupboards. Tony can see a bit skin where normally his jeans and shirt met. Oh god. “I... uh just.. you know. Met a few rich people. Didn’t like them...” Tony answers and then looks anywhere in the room. Just not at T’Challa, who chuckles and fixes himself a glass of water. “But you like me?” Tony is sure that he is blushing. He is blushing. The world is ending. He can’t even remember the feeling of a blush. But his cheeks are all warm and he is so embarrassed. T’Challa is still watching him and this smile, it kills Tony. But he can’t say anything. His mouth is too dry. His brain is offline. “Tony? Ah here are you. I need your help, because Thor just destroyed the TV Remote again and i’m not sure who is killing who first. Clint Thor or Natasha Clint.” Steve says, as he sees Tony still standing half in the guestroom, half in the corridor. “Uh? Yeah sure.” “Thank you for showing me the room, Anthony. I will see you later.” T’Challa says now. Tony blinks once and then nearly chokes again, when T’Challa winks at him. He just nods at T’Challa and then waves at him. WAVES. Like i child or....or a lovesick teenager. But before he can embarrass himself anymore he turns and runs out of the guestroom. Steve shrugs and then follows him towards the living room, where they sit so often on movie nights. Tony is there first and nearly throws himself at the remote. He needs to think about something, that is not T’Challa and his beautiful face and... nope. Not going there. “Why are you so red?” Clint asks now and Tony just huffs. “Yeah Anthony, why are you so red?” Steve laughs when he says it and Tony throws a pillow at him. Stupid super solider and his stupid good hearing.

“Don’t call me that! You know that i hate that!” Tony says and opens the backside of the remote. It’s always the same with Thor. “Yeah you say that all the time. But the king from Wakanda can call you that?” Steve asks and this time he actually smirks. That should not be allowed! Captain America has to be all sunshine and puppies. “That’s uh...different.” He says and hopes that this conversation is over. Sadly Bruce isn’t here to help him. “Different, how so?” Natasha asks and she looks up from the knife, she’s cleaning. Tony can see there is still something red on the blade. He shudders. “You always wanted me to be nice to guests and this is me doing just that. Why is that wrong, too?” Tony asks and mentally gives himself a pat on the shoulder. That’s why he is a genius. He always has some excuses. “No no no. I think you like him.” Natasha answers and Tony can feel the heat in his cheeks again. Why! “Do not.” He says and even he can hear that he lies. Fuck. “Tony come on. We never see you this flattered. It’s cute.” Steve winks at him and Tony grumbles. “Alright, so what if i like him, huh?!” He asks and the rooms falls silent. Everybody just goes back to the stuff they were doing before. Natasha cleans her knife. Steve opens his book again. Clint snuggles closer to Natasha. “I would say, that i like you, too.” Tony counts to ten before he turns and yes. There is T’Challa standing in the doorframe. And he smiles so sweet that Tony can’t help himself smiling shyly back. - And if months later the next rich guests arrives at the tower and Tony treats them like dirt. Well nobody even twitches. And Tony doesn’t care. He still doesn’t like most of those people. And that doesn’t matter because he has his own king now. And he would also love him if he wasn’t one.

_______________________________

Well that...got a bit longer than i thought. Hope you like it anyway! :)

[socialpants]

Infinity War is not a good movie

The action scenes are really good. Well done. Inventive. Good pace.

(gonna go into why the rest is not good under the cut and everything will be SPOILED)

The movie does zero to try and piece itself together as a narrative whole. It’s not meant as a standalone movie. It’s meant as the 1st half of a whole movie. And while the action scenes are good and the plot sort of starts to stick together coherently in the latter third of it, it still wont get there by the end credits.

Don’t get me wrong, by the time Thor was out there making his new hammer, I wasn’t spending as much time getting distracted by the internet but actually wanted to know how the movie was progressing, but the first 2/3 are completely wasted.

From the top:

- the opening scene is bad. Thanos intersects Thor and friends on their way to find a New Asgard and just off screen kills everyone. Everyone except Thor, Loki and Hulk. It feels like the script thought the Asgardians were inconvenient, so yeah, let’s just kill them all. Off screen. Then Loki acts badly, with poor dialogue and no one in their right mind for a moment believes anything he says or that the scene would have any canonical weight. Puff, he’s “dead” too. Heimdall is killed with a poke in the gut. Valkyrie is just killed off screen I guess. No one in the writing team cared about the previous Thor movie (or about anything much as I was about to find out).

- Banner is sent to Earth where he can’t hulk out anymore. Cue erectile dysfunction jokes. Because Hulk is his penis. Hulk is his sentient, completely separate entity penis. So that’s thing.

- Stark and Pepper are in the park arguing about wedding plans. They’re together now? Didn’t she leave him before? I don’t care. It’s Downey and Gwynnie. They’re having rich couple non-problems about getting married. Not for a moment are they anything relateable or other than Downey and Gwynnie. I’m flipping through the internet while they and Dr Strange get attacked. Spidey is there. Spidey is good. He gets well established through his dialogue within his 5 or so minutes on the screen.

- Wanda and Vision are doing couples things in Scotland (?). They’re the only couple that it’s created to be a real couple and who come off as Wanda and Vision. Good solid acting. you care for them as characters and believe them as people. 

- Chris Pratt is in space. Dear god I hope the real Pratt is nothing like Starlord because Starlord is an insecure infantile douchebag. I guess he’s dating Gamora? they’re not a couple. Chris Pratt is annoying. I don’t care about their relationship or their bad dialogue. Mantis and Drax are relatable with solid communication. Everyone else suffers from Can’t Tell You Vital Shit Because It Would Ruin The Movie -itis.

- There’s loads of really clunky dialogue going on. Everyone speaks in very bad exposition and forced tension. When exposition isn’t happening, Benny Cucumberman is a good Dr Strange, Benedict Wong is good as Wong though completely underused. Because the script just wants to stuff everything and their cat into 2+ hours, it fails at giving most characters proper screen time. Instead it just focuses on fights.

- There’s fight fight fight. Vision is moved to Wakanda so we get Black Panther and Bucky involved. Fight fight fight. If you haven’t seen Black Panther, you will have zero investment on any of this as no characterization is given. Okoye is the only person given a personality with her body language. More fighting.

- The infinity stones exist, but what do they actually do? No one knows! Mostly they just go pew pew pew. Everything about them is very disappointing. To be a god, you really only need a bunch of different colored laser pointers.

- Thanos goes around being a cartoon villain just missing his fedora. By the third act, they’ve decided to give him a personality, but his motivation isn’t stuffed in until the last 20 minutes and even then it’s hugely at odds with what they want you to believe his personality to be; He just wants to save the universe from overpopulation by killing half the population very violently and causing massive amount of ecological damage everywhere he goes. Like... he also employs people who clearly just get their kicks from murder and torture, he totally wrecks the planets’ environment whenever he lands on one and aren’t the people he doesn’t kill just going to pretty quickly repopulate to the same level as before? THIS IS ALL VERY POORLY THOUGHT OUT!

- Oh hai Hugo Weaving! Why are you here? No reason. We just needed to get everyone who’s ever been in a Marvel movie to make an appearance. So Hugo Weaving is a ghost thingy that just kinda hangs around the Soul Stone. Why? There was a map to the place and once you get there there’s really only one place to go, with a single path to walk and it’s two gant stone pillars that you can probably seen from space so fairly hard to miss. So . uh.. I guess it’s a cosmic punishment to be the most pointless ghost ever?

- the Soul Stone demands you sacrifice what you most love to handle it. Which is dumb and pointless. Who made up this rule? The stone? The person who hid it? If you get a regular person wanting the stone, they’d never sacrifice a beloved person to fiddle with a stone, so you’ll only end up getting handled by murderous lunatics and the story ends up legitimizing their obsessive controlling needs as genuine love? That’s bad writing. Oh and of course Gamora is “the only thing Thanos loves” and she just happens to be there. What a coinkydink! thanos promptly throws her off the cliff. Sure didn’t see that coming! *groan* And by this point we don’t know enough about Thanos to care about any of this. We still don’t know his motivation. Or why he’d totally torture his other adopted daughter but man look at this little Gamora kid I took as a souvenir from one of those planets where I slaughtered everyone, I sure do love her more than anything! Because the plot says I do! (To Josh Brolin’s credit, I think he does a decent job with a piss poor script)

- Thor is off on his own little adventure trying to get a new hammer made. Only there’s just a single person left to operate the cosmic blacksmith’s shop where galactic weapons are made and their forge has gone out. It doesn’t matter. We still get the forge going. And it doesn’t seem to take that much effort. Even though “it’s suicidal to try to keep the thingymagic manually open” and  Thor ”will definitely die if he tries”.Thor keeps it manually open for a wee bit and doesn’t die or even get maimed. Yay we got a new hammer! This sweltery is also the same place where Thanos’s little glitter glove was made. Which is funny that he managed to kill everyone there for no apparent reason but to be a dick, yet he left the very legendary and actual pre-existing mold of the weapon that can kill him totally alone. Thanos, wyd baby, no.

- Nebula escapes, which apparently was just a question of getting into a touching distance of a single guard. This also seems like really bad writing.

- Fight fight fight. Everyone acts kind of out of character, but it could just be that the dialogue is mostly very bad. Vision is killed, twice. Both times are very sad. Possibly the best moment in the movie. Good job actors. Then Thor hammers Thanos who dies and doesn’t and kills “half the population of the universe”, I guess? Wibbly wobbly timey wimey and he’s back to some sort of a farm house-meadow thing in the end credits. I dunno. Insert dust effects. There’s really no dramatic tension here aside from Peter and Wanda’s deaths. Everyone else just looks kinda like, welp, this sure was a movie we were in. Okoye is, again, the lone person reacting accordingly to their loved one turning to dust.

- End credits state that thanos will be back. Just so you know, in case you had invested even an ounce of emotion into these people “dying”, here’s how we make sure that you shouldn’t have to worry, because we’re basically only halfway through the movie. But you’ll have to wait at least a year to watch the second half. We just have to design new suits for everyone we bring back from “the dead”.